When I was very little I remember going to church with my grandma a handful of times, but my parents never went.
When I was five, my parents were legally separated and my dad, not wanting to lose his family, was desperate for help. He bought a Bible and began seeking God. At the time, my brother and I were spending every other week at our dad's and one particular Sunday he got us up very early and told us to get dressed for church. I remember it so vividly that I could tell you the color and style of the dress I wore that day. My dad drove around east Tulsa for a while and finally pulled into Southeast Baptist. He told us to stay in the car while he went in to talk with the preacher. About 20 minutes later he came back out and took us home. We were too early for church.
What I was too young to understand at the time, I later learned from my dad's personal testimony: My dad went into the church and told Pastor Felton Mosely that he needed to get right with God. Pastor Mosely showed my dad from the Bible how to be saved and my dad received eternal life that very hour.
We came back later for Sunday School and have attended church every Sunday since that day in February 1991. My dad later called my mom, and asked her to come home, promising that things would be different. She did and God miraculously restored their marriage and transformed our home life. I have the privilege of telling people I was raised in a Christian home.
Not long after we began attending church, my dad began reading bedtime Bible stories to my brother and me and he taught us to quote a recited prayer before we went to sleep each night. After a few months of this my dad told me he thought I was old enough to learn to pray on my own. He taught me that prayer is simply talking to God and helped me "say my own prayer". I remember that I had a lot of 5-year old questions that night which eventually led to my dad explaining to me the plan of salvation. I don't remember what I asked and I don't remember exactly what my dad told me. I don't even remember praying, but I know that after that I always told people that was when I got saved and that my dad led me to the Lord.
As I grew up I occasionally doubted my salvation, but always brushed it aside. I never really feared Hell and I never saw myself as that bad of a sinner. I knew how to convince myself that "I was ok". As a teenager I remember a particular youth rally at Eastland Baptist in Tulsa. The preacher spoke about Hell and plead with the young people to be sure of their salvation. I was under such conviction, but stubbornly refused to be moved. After that particular sermon, it seemed that every sermon I heard was about salvation. I began to fear eternal punishment. I began to recognize that mankind is in need of a Savior because of his sin.
Finally, during my senior year I heard another convicting message at Heartland College Days. I went forward with my youth pastor's wife and told her I was seriously doubting my salvation. She took me through the Romans Road and invited me to ask God to save me. I did pray, but at that time I was still unsure if I truly was unsaved or just struggling with major doubt. I told everyone that I got saved then and I was even baptized the following week, but no real change took place in my life. I was still a self-absorbed typical worldly teen and I still struggled with doubting my salvation.
Both times that I made a profession of faith, a crucial element was missing. I was so full of pride that I refused to see myself as I truly was: a wretched sinner in need of a Savior. I was never broken over my sin. I was never truly sorry for the wicked things I had done. I had aways passed my wrongdoing off as "not that bad" and "not that big a deal".
After high school, I began attending Heartland. I struggled through 4 semesters of classes. The workload was difficult for me and I became an emotional wreck. The first semester of my sophomore year I became very depressed and even prayed that God would let me die. I began to think that life was not worth living. I had no hope. I knew that this was not the victorious Christian living I had been taught about my whole life, but I figured I had just missed the secret memo somewhere that taught how to get it.
I lived this way for 2 1/2 years, but then, during one chapel service something happened...I know it was the 1st semester of my 3rd year, but I don't remember who preached and I don't remember what the message was about. I only remember that I knelt before my chair and tried to pray, but I couldn't. I was finally grasping the awfulness of sin and realized that I was desperately wicked and unworthy to approach the throne of God because of my own sin. I shed bitter tears over my wretchedness and cried out to God for forgiveness. I know that from that moment a change began to take place in my life. I was still a sinful creature, but I actually felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and began to grow close to God. I began to see that God was my very best friend.
Because of a lack of discipline, accountability, and maturity I struggled at maintaining a consistent walk with the Lord. The world had a strong pull on my affections and I returned to old sinful influences. The desire to fit in and be cool led me to participate in activities that I knew were directly forbidden in Scripture and I even tried to justify my actions. My sinful behavior came to a climax one particular night in December 2007. I was in a place I knew I should not have been, with people I should not have been associating with, doing something I knew was very wrong. I was so afraid of being caught that I didn't enjoy myself at all. I was under conviction and for the first time that I can remember, there would be real and serious consequences for my actions. I was now a born again child of God and He chastens and scourges His children. I was severely chastened for my sin and in a way that left no doubt in my mind that it was the hand of God. It took a couple of days, but my eyes were opened and my life turned around at that point.
I lost all desire to be worldly. I forsook those old friends and began to involve myself in ministry. I still had a lot to learn, but I was determined to do right.
From that time I have come a long way. I have been able to establish a consistent relationship with God and have grown tremendously. I have learned so much about faith and surrender. My hardest lesson so far has been that of yielding my own stubborn and selfish will to His perfect will for me. I am ashamed of how slow I have been at learning this, but each step brings me to a whole new level of trust and appreciation. I have peace in my life and I have true joy. I know that God loves me and has a plan for me.
The last semester of my Senior year was a bitter-sweet time in my life. I was still very new at the Christian walk and I had a lot of fleshly desires. I wanted things to go my way and even tried to convince myself that what I wanted was God's will. I did things I am now ashamed of and I said things I now wish I hadn't.
After college, I moved away from all of my friends and became socially isolated. I was miserable and began sliding back into depression. God brought me to the point that I had no one but Him. I began to read solid Christian literature and learned a great deal about seeking and trusting God. I finally was made to see the sinfulness of my behavior. I began practicing trust and surrender. It took a couple of months, but God is good and He has restored my peace and joy and well as taken away my fleshly pursuits and replaced them with the desire to fulfill only His purpose for my life.
Of course, I still struggle with the old man, my hideously proud and stubborn flesh, but I have learned so much about my own utter helplessness and God's sufficient grace. I no longer doubt my salvation, I know longer fear Hell, I no longer feel hopeless and depressed. I can truthfully say that I am walking closer to God today than I ever have in my life.
I have loved the works of Jane Austin since I was first introduced to Emma when I was 12. Just like any other girl, I study her characters and try to decide which is my favorite and which I am most like.
Lately, I have to compare myself to Marianne Dashwood...
Like Marianne, I have been infatuated these past few years with a young man not unlike Mr. Willoughby (although I must give him credit for a degree or two more morality than his fictional counterpart). He and I became fast friends and were almost inseparable. I had a great deal of admiration for him and I was not careful to conceal it. He returned my attentions and gave me reason to think that he had honorable intentions toward me. I grew very attached to him and was certain that he felt the same for me that I did for him. 
However, a few of my close friends tried to warn me that he was not what I perceived him to be and even pointed out a few warning signs. I purposefully blinded myself to his faults and determined to prove them wrong.
It has been almost 6 years since I first met him, and I have finally allowed myself to see the danger of pursuing a relationship with him any longer.
Not long after I concluded that he was not a man of desirable character, I was allowed to see in him more qualities that confirmed my decision to discontinue any future contact with him.
Now, back to Marianne...When her family first moved to Barton, Colonel Brandon took notice of her almost instantly and formed an attachment of his own. Marianne noticed his attention toward her and she resented it. She did all that she could to avoid him because she thought him old and boring...not romantic at all.
I, too, have had a suitor similar to the Colonel. My Brandon counterpart is not an old man, but he is not a center-of-attention, life-of-the-party type of guy. He is actually of the quiet intelligent sort with a maturity and wisdom beyond his years.
He expressed his interest in me last summer at a time when I had no desire to be with such a man. I see now that I was looking for a funny guy with a loud mouth and a rebellious streak. I wanted someone just like myself who would not "make" me change or expect me to live a separated lifestyle. My desire was to be with a worldly guy so that I could continue to be like the world.
Well, my Willoughby broke my heart, but not because I was so sad to lose him. My heart was broken for the time and emotion I wasted on him and my own shallowness. I had rejected a true man of God for an imitation...worse still, I was an imitation myself.
In Marianne's story, Corporal Brandon is right at her side even before she was over Willoughby. He is ready and waiting for the moment that she will have him. The story ends with their beautiful marriage ceremony and beginning of their life together.
I have yet to know how my "Brandon" will respond to my past behavior and my recent change of heart.
I know now that he is a good man with a desire to serve the Lord. He will lead his home with Biblical standards and he will desire his wife to submit to his authority as he seeks the will of God. I am so honored that he cared for me then, and sought to win my heart, but when he knows where my heart truly was, will he decide it is no longer worth pursuing?
